Author Archives: Dr.Alex

Why is it That Some Men Don’t Want to Commit?

Q: I have two friends who are both in relationships with men they’ve been seeing for at least two years. Neither man wants to discuss marriage even though they say they love these women.

A: Let’s run down the possibilities. There are usually three main reasons why a man doesn’t want to commit to a woman: 1) He’s just not that into her, 2) He’s been so burned in the past by bad relationships that he doesn’t want to settle down again, and 3) He doesn’t want to give up his bachelorhood, i.e. the freedom to do the nasty with other ladies and spend “quality times” with his single buddies.

1) He’s not really that into you. He’s not that excited, please and awed by you as his future soul mate. This is a deal-breaker. Maybe he likes you around for the sex and the fun, but you may not be the woman he really wants to settle down with. Perhaps, he has a certain physical look that he really wants to marry. Really, the reasons don’t matter. The important thing is for you to do a reality check and determine if he really seems to be crazy about you as his lifelong partner or if he’s just stringing you along. If that’s the case, there’s little you can do but go your own way. Say bye-bye.

2) He’s been burned by past relationships. This is easier to deal with. Open and honest communication here is a must. Start by talking about some of your own love disappointments, but assure him that you have an open and willing heart to love him as your life partner. Explain that when two people are compatible, love each other and have a strong faith base for their relationship, they will succeed in marriage where others have failed.

3) He’s worried about losing his freedom to have sex with as many women as he wants. Try a little reverse psychology on him. Tell him this: “If you want to have sex with a lot of women, then choose one woman. If you want to have sex with only one woman, then go ahead and play the field with many women. What this means, you explain to him, is that, by making love to one woman (you) over and over again, he will see the depths of your personality, the different shades of you, over a long period of time. He will see many women in you as you play different roles sexually, emotionally and psychologically. On the other hand, if he goes out with many women, he will likely pick the same type of woman, and only know her superficially sexually, for a short period of time. Thus, it’s like he’s having sex with the same (type of) woman over and over again, without experiencing the depth of mutual sexual passion he could enjoy with you.

Now that you’ve made your best case, the rest is up to him. If he really loves and wants you, he will marry you in a heartbeat.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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Love Secrets From King Solomon

It is said that King Solomon of ancient Israel had 700 wives and 300 concubines. In other words, he probably had a lot of in-law problems, to be sure. But, he also must have learned quite a bit about love and romance, as evidenced by the beautiful book of poetry he wrote, Song of Songs. You can apply some of his messages of love wisdom to improve your own love life and have a deeper, more satisfying relationship.

Here are 4 Love Secrets from King Solomon:

1. Let Love Sleep: In our fast-food society, people want to fall in love, or at least, in lust, quickly. As soon as they meet an attractive stranger, many singles are already thinking: “Is he or she the one?” Many times singles get their hopes up, only to be crushed later when they discover that the sexy stranger was not compatible with them, at all. Solomon says: “Don’t arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” In other words, love must be cultivated like a flower, watered, and taken care of, and given enough time to bloom. Don’t be in a hurry to turn that acquaintance into a soul mate. Take the time to nurture a friendship that will, in time, turn into a lasting love and beautiful relationship that will stand the test of time. Remember: Love cannot be forced or pressured; it must develop at its own pace.

2. Eat From Your Own Garden: Many people are tempted to stray in relationships. Whether it’s a random thought of flirtation (“what would it be like with that person?”) or an actual sexual affair, many people are not completely satisfied in their relationships. “The grass is greener over the next hill” is a phrase that summarizes the wandering eye of many people in the love game. But, Solomon says it best when he talks about devoted love with one person: “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit; I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” When you think of a well-taken care of garden, you can imagine there being many delicious fruits; a variety of tasty delights. In the same way, your lover can be a constant feast for you if you invest your time, energy, and spirit into cultivating one special relationship. In this relationship, you can feed each other mentally and physically, providing a variety of attitudes and styles to keep the love interesting: sometimes shy, other times aggressive; sometimes comforting and security-giving, but also wild and unpredictable on other occasions. If you take the time to plant your emotional seeds and water your garden (with time, energy, and affection), you will receive all of the love and happiness you desire.

3 Sing Praises to Your Beloved: Love poetry is a lost art among couples. There is nothing sexier–it’s an ideal aphrodisiac, to be sure–than to recite (and listen) to love poetry. Here’s your homework love assignment for the week with your mate: For the next seven days, spend 10-15 minutes each day reciting love poetry to each other. You can find poems on the Internet or come up with your own. The key is to make sure that the poem resonates with you; the words should speak to the way you feel about your partner. Also, when reciting the poetry to each other, make sure you look directly into each other’s eyes. Who wouldn’t melt with words like these from King Solomon? “Your lips drip sweetness; your name is like perfume poured out–you have stolen my heart with one glance.” Take the time this week to say love poems to your beloved, and notice the increase in your loving and romantic feelings toward each other.

4. Respect the Power of Love: Many people forget how powerful a force love truly is. Love cannot be contained, controlled, or played with. It also cannot be bought; it must be freely given and freely received. Solomon proclaimed: “Love is a blazing fire that can not be quenched; rivers can not sweep it away.” Some people treat love as a game; seeing how many men and women they can bed or get to fall in love with them. This may give them a temporary ego boost, but will end up costing them in the long run in emotional turmoil and may even result in physical violence from spurned lovers. At the same time, some people try to buy the love of others with material goods or the promise of security. Again, this is a fool’s vain hope. Love is a force of nature that must be respected, nurtured, and treasured. When you are swept away by this beautiful unstoppable force, you can only do one thing: Succumb to its ecstatic power and bathe in its miraculous delights.

Now, by following these four love secrets from the wise King Solomon, you can improve your love life and achieve the greatest feeling of all: to be completely and unequivocally relinquished in love for your one and only soul mate. Enjoy the Love: the sweetest song of all.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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Broken Engagement! What About the Ring?

When a man breaks his engagement to a woman, what is the correct procedure for the handling of the ring? Does the woman get to keep it or is she supposed to return it to him?

A: Legally, there are several ways to look at it, depending on the court system where you live. One legal view is that the engagement ring is a straight-up gift, and gifts don’t have to be returned (this is uncommon in most courts). But the more common approach is to treat the engagement ring like a “conditional gift”–meaning that it’s only a gift if the marriage takes place.

If the marriage doesn’t take place, there are two ways to look at it: fault and no-fault. In the fault approach, if the giver, your fiance, breaks the engagement for no valid reason, then he’s at fault and you get to keep the ring. On the other hand, in the no-fault approach–which is the most common courts see–it doesn’t matter who broke the engagement or why. There is no blame placed, and, since the marriage didn’t occur, your fiance gets the ring back since it was conditional on the marriage happening. This is probably the law in your state so make sure you consult an attorney in your area if you’re planning on keeping the ring, even though your fiance wants it back.

Aside from the legal issues, here’s the bottom line: if the engagement didn’t work out, do you really want to keep the ring? Sure, it’s worth money, but there are probably plenty of negative emotions attached to the ring. You broke up for a reason, and maybe a nasty one at that. Every time you see that ring, you’ll be reminded of your relationship’s failure. You may just want to leave the bad feelings and memories behind forever by giving the ring back and starting over with a new man and a new ring you’ll be proud to wear.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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Emotional Genius: How to Get Straight A’s In Your Love Life

Would you like to be a “genius” in your love life and personal relationships? Being an “emotional genius” means that you are highly skilled at managing your own moods and maintaining satisfying personal and love relationships.

All of us have a certain kind of intelligence or genius that is partly inherited and partly learned. Some people are “book smart”–they’re good in academic subjects, memorizing concepts, and taking tests. Others are “street smart”– they’re skilled at surviving and thriving in the real world of competition and conflict. More recently, we have learned about emotional intelligence–how to be “people smart”–excelling in mastering our own emotions and relating to people in a healthy and rewarding way.

The good news is that you can learn to be an emotional genius by daily practice. Here are four simple tools to help you get started:

1. MANAGE YOUR MOOD: All of us go through mood changes: sometimes we’re excited, other times we’re sad or depressed. We can get angry, fearful, and anxious, or feel overjoyed, loving, and happy. Depression–profound sadness– is the common cold of psychology; more people get it than any other psychological disorder. Depression is also one of the biggest causes of relationship conflict and breakup because people who are depressed have less energy, love, and good feelings to give to each other. In the old school thinking, it was believed that women get depressed twice as much as men. New research, however, shows that men and women are equal in their rates of depression; the only difference is that men express depression differently. Instead of crying, sleeping too much, and expressing sadness verbally, many depressed men tend to get aggressive, numb themselves with sex and alcohol, and work too much. Regardless of gender, it’s important that you be aware of your emotional temperature–how you’re feeling on a daily basis–and take steps to elevate your mood. Find what works best for you to help you feel happier: exercise, meditation, prayer, yoga, writing, communing in nature, and of course, therapy and counseling can be a great boost. New research shows that you can control and manage your emotions; all it takes is a little effort and discipline. Remember, the happier and calmer you are as individual, the happier and calmer your relationship will be.

2. THINK SMART: Many of us are not aware of how powerfully our thoughts can affect our feelings and behavior in relationships. For example, if you’re in a relationship, you may have the common thought: “He (or she) doesn’t love me anymore.” While this thought may have some basis in reality, many times it is exaggerated. A healthier approach is to reality test your thoughts and see if they are true or not. It could be that your partner still loves you, but some of their behavior may be coming from their feelings of sadness and frustration about their own life. You need to analyze your thoughts, communicate honestly with your partner, and see if there is any truth to your cynical and negative thoughts about the relationship. If you find that you’re not thinking logically about your mate, you can reboot your thinking and see your relationship in a more positive light.

3. DEVELOP EMPATHY: The cure to many relationships woes is the simple word, “empathy”– walking in the shoes of your mate, thinking as they think, feeling as they feel. Imagine what it feels like to be your partner. For example, let’s say that when your partner comes home, you sense they are very tired, grumpy, and exhausted. You can say: “Honey, you seem tired and a little exhausted; I’m going to make a nice hot tub for you so you can relax.” By showing empathy in this way, you will help your partner feel better immediately, and they will likely give you positive energy in return.

4. PUT AWAY THE EMOTIONAL TIME BOMB: All of us have hot buttons in relationships–things our partner can say to make us feel instantly mad or sad. Some people, for example, are sensitive about their weight (“you’re getting too fat”) or extended family (“you only support your family, not ours”), or lack of career success (“you’re not making it like you promised”). Any comments like these that touch on vulnerable emotional areas are likely to cause pain in your mate, and will make them react against you. Knowing your partner’s weak points, and deciding not to use them (even when you’re angry) is a sign of emotional and relationship strength. Remember this: When you explode an emotional bomb (a hurtful and attacking comment) against your partner, they are likely to feel resentful and will probably retaliate against you; thus putting your relationship into a downward spiral of hurt feelings, fights, and eventual breakup. Put away your emotional weapons, and focus instead of maintaining healthy communication, giving your partner positive feedback, and adding a good dose of respect and commonsense.
Yes, it’s true: You can be an emotional genius in your personal relationships–someone who is intelligent and highly skilled at mastering your own thoughts and feelings, and in building positive relationships. It’s time now to get straight A’s in your love life; you deserve it.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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Love Independence Day! Declare Emotional Freedom For Yourself

With July 4th approaching, it’s time that we celebrate a different kind of independence–freedom from unfulfilling, incompatible, and emotionally unhealthy relationships. You may be caught in an unhealthy or unproductive relationship–but you don’t know how to get out. For a while, your mind keeps you in the relationship by focusing on the pleasurable parts of being with that person (although there may be few bright spots), but then the negative and painful parts of the relationship hit you on the brain, and you want to get out. How can you free yourself a bad relationship?

Here are 3 tips for Love Independence.

1. DON’T MISTAKE ADDICTION FOR LOVE: Psychologists have researched the brain chemistry of sex and love, and have found that certain brain chemicals are released when you first fall in love–these chemicals give you a “high” (euphoric) feeling like being on cocaine. But, the chemicals wear off over time–then you are back to square one. Like any drug, you build up tolerance, and then have withdrawal symptoms (you feel bad when you’re not around your drug, “that person”). For some people, the constant breakup and makeup phases in a relationship are ways to get their “fix” of that love brain chemical. But, that is not true love. Love is not just excitement, thrills, and pleasure. Healthy love includes the qualities of trust, respect, and commitment. These elements provides far more pleasure to you in the long run of a relationship than the physical chemistry or attraction that wears off after a relationship has progressed.

2. MEDITATE ON YOUR LOVE FUTURE: Here is a simple exercise to help you look into the future of your relationship. Sit in a comfortable place, close your eyes, and take a deep breath–in and out. Now, visualize your Love Future: See what it will be like to be with your partner, 5 years from today–see what you will look like, what you will be doing, who is around you, and what you are feeling. Then, do the same mental projection into the future for 10, 20, and 30 years. Pay particular attention to your feelings during each time period–are you happy, sad, joyful, contented, frustrated, resentful, relaxed, or loving? Then, write down what you saw and felt in a journal. You may discover some interesting insights. Perhaps, you see that you worked out your differences with your love partner in the future, and you enjoyed a happy long-term relationship. Or, you may see that you have a dead-end with the person–the relationship will go nowhere–and you will be living a life of inauthenticity, sadness, and pain. If the latter is the case, then you know your answer–you need to leave the relationship, and save yourself years of heartache and trouble. See your future, and act on it now.

3. PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION: When you are torn between leaving or staying in a relationship, your friends and family members will often give you well-intentioned advice. Some will support you unconditionally (“Whatever you decide is best”), while others will chastise you for staying (“Don’t be a fool; leave”). Now is the time to take a momentary break from the advice of others, and practice self-compassion–love and embrace yourself, no matter what–regardless of your weaknesses and soft spot for a particular individual whom you know, deep down, is no good for you. Realize that you are still a good person, even though you are staying (for now) with a person who is not emotionally healthy for you. You may be staying because you are still attracted to them–there is still something about that incompatible partner that you crave, even though you know that they are all wrong for you. If that is the case, be compassionate to yourself. Recognize that your “weakness” for that person is perfectly natural; as a human being, you may have a strong irrational desire for a particular person. At the same time, decide that you will embrace and love yourself no matter what decision you make in the relationship–to stay or go. You will be guided by your inner sense of rightness, and not by the opinions of others. You will love yourself, no matter what you decide to do.

Follow the 3 tips of Love Independence today, and break the chains of an unhealthy and incompatible relationship. If you decide that you need to move on, now is the right time for you to do it. Declare your emotional freedom today.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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Four Magic Questions to Find Your Soul Mate!

Unfortunately, relationships can be difficult, and finding the right person can sometimes seem like an impossible dream. But, there is a solution to your love resolutions, especially if you’re single: It’s called the Four Magic Questions.

Over the last 20 years, I’ve perfected a system of love compatibility that can help you find your soul mate in four easy steps. I call it The Four Magic Questions. Based on the theory behind the most popular personality test in the world–The Myers Briggs Type Indicator–The Four Magic Questions approach teaches you how to recognize a potential soul mate by asking four simple compatibility questions.

What do you do for fun in your spare time? INTROVERT OR EXTRAVERT: Introverts like to stay home and do low-key activities like reading, thinking, watching videos, listening to music, and relaxing, while Extraverts like to go out and socialize and talk to a lot of people.
HOT TIP: Research shows that Extravert women have the most problems with Introvert men in the areas of chores, finances, communication, social life, and sex.

What’s your favorite movie and why do you like it? THINKER OR FEELER: Feelers love the way the movie made them feel; Thinkers enjoy the way it made them think. Thinkers and Feelers come from different planets, and have different communication styles. It’s important to speak in your partner’s language. The Feeler says: “Why do you have to be so critical?” The Thinker says: “Why do you have to take everything so personally?”

What would you do with $10 million? IMAGINATIVE OR PRACTICAL: Imaginative people would use the money to innovate, create, or make a difference in the world in a unique way (go to the Himalayas and meditate, write the Great American Novel, invent a nuclear powered space bicycle). Practical people would save, invest, and enjoy the sensory pleasures of life: fine dining, traveling, and exotic adventures. HOT TIP: Research shows that 70% of happily married couples are the same on this dimension (either both Imaginative or both Practical types).

If a friend invited you to Vegas, the next day (a work day) would you go? SPONTANEOUS OR STRUCTURED: The spontaneous person would say “Let’s go,” while the structured person would have to plan it out because of previous commitments. Structured and Spontaneous people can get along, but often have to work out a lot of issues regarding time (structured people are always on time; spontaneous people are often late), schedules, commitment, money, activities, neatness and organization, and so on.

You can have a lot of fun asking the four magic questions and meeting new people.
Who knows? You just may meet the love of your life.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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How to Survive the Loss of a Romantic Love and Get Your Life Back

One of the most painful things in life is to experience the breakup of a deeply felt romantic love, whether a long-term relationship or marriage. Fortunately, there are some keys to help you recover and get your life back after ending a relationship with someone you truly loved.  Here are 4 research-proven tips to help you get through the heartache:

  1. MAKE A CLEAR BREAK: You may be tempted to go back—to call, text, see, or engage in intimacy with the ex-partner.  This is a mistake because doing so keeps reinforcing your desire to be with that person, while ignoring the reasons you separated—incompatibility, infidelity, or other deal-breakers. In psychological terms, you need to go through a process of “extinction”; in other words, you need to go “cold turkey”—to stop thinking about all the pleasure you could have with your ex in the future if you got back together.   If you don’t interact with them, you will see that, over time, your desire for the imagined pleasure they provide will decrease, and you will be able to move on emotionally and physically.
  1. USE THE HEDONIC TREADMILL EFFECT IN YOUR FAVOR: In positive psychology, an important term is Hedonic Treadmill, i.e. the concept that extreme emotions (high or low) even out. In other words, great pleasure doesn’t last forever, and neither does pain.  People who win the lottery usually return to their baseline level of happiness after the thrill of the win wears off.  Similarly people who experience a life-changing catastrophe (eg. Losing their limbs) usually find a baseline of happiness after the initial shock and sadness of the loss wears off.  When you are in the throes of a painful love loss, realize that this is only a temporary state; soon you will ride the wave of hope and expectation as you embark on a new love journey.  Give yourself some time to heal, while understanding that you are about to switch emotional gears and elevate yourself to a better you.
  1. CREATE A NEW LOVE MANTRA: A love mantra is an affirmation or phrase that you repeat to yourself regarding your romantic life.  It could be a lesson you have learned from the relationship, such as “When one Love Door Closes, A Better One Opens.”  “The Best Love Is When We Can Create Light Together.”  By mentally repeating your Love Mantra to yourself daily, you will find yourself developing more enthusiasm, confidence, and motivation to pursue your love dreams and find a partner who can inspire your best.
  1. PRACTICE LOVE TRANSFORMATION: One of the greatest concepts in psychological growth is to transform pain into power. Get out a notebook and label it the “Love Transformation” Journal.  In that journal, you can analyze each of your love relationships, including the latest one, and write down the lessons you have learned from them, and how you can become a better person from your experiences.  Write down what you are grateful for as a result of being in the relationship (even if it was a bad one, maybe you learned something useful).   And, most importantly of all, realize the truth of this statement: “Each love I experience, even if not returned in equal measure, strengthens my capacity to love.” Think of loving as a muscle that becomes stronger with exercise; although there is pain and discomfort, your love muscles will continue to grow until you have enough strength to love, and be loved, with the right partner.

If you practice these four tips, you will be on your way to curing your love heartache. Soon, you will begin your journey to lasting love with the partner who truly fulfills you.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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How long should we date before we commit to a future together?

Dear Dr. Alex:

I finally met the right guy and have been dating him for only a couple months now. We both are in our 40s and we want to build our future together, but I also don’t want to rush things. However, planning to have a child and stuff sooner seems better (since we are not in 20s). what should I do?

–Heeyeon

DR. ALEX RESPONDS:

According to the influential psychologist, Dr. Carl Jung, our middle years (40’s and on) are meant for integrating the different aspects of our personality—for finding a harmony between the things we left behind and the things we are seeking. Both of you may believe that having children is important, even at this stage in your life, or you may decide to grow the relationship instead of growing children. The advantage of being older is that you see time is a wider perspective; a few months, or even a few years, doesn’t seem like that much time, after you have lived a number of years. This is especially the case as you realize that with maturity comes the understanding that good things take time; whether it’s engineering a beautiful building or creating a quality relationship. So, I would say that it’s great to take your time in building this new (middle years) relationship, while being open and communicating with each other about your respective goals and dreams, and unfinished business (or bucket list) in life. Ideally, as life partners in the second half of your life, you will be able to help each other reach your dreams—both individually and collectively—as you create a loving and growing love partnership.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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Does Money Matter in this Relationship?

Dear Dr. Alex:

I love my boyfriend so much, but he is not making a lot of money. I am 22, and he says he is comfortable financially. What should I do?
–YuJung

DR. ALEX RESPONDS:

The first thing to do is to recognize your LoveTemperament, your romantic personality type, and what is important to you.

Since you indicate that it bothers you that your boyfriend is not making a lot of money, then you may be the type of personality called the Security Seeker—you value tradition, structure, and security in your relationships. Although you are still young, finding a partner who can provide you with security (emotional and financial) and stability is something that’s important to you.

Consequently, you are best matched with another Security Seeker, a young man who also has the same values, and who wants to create a stable family structure.

If your boyfriend is not that type, when you may need to reconsider the relationship. You may never be happy with him unless he is the type of hard-working and responsible provider who best matches your personality.

You can find out how to find the love of your life in GuyTypes.

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